Come on sweet catastrophe...

Behind Enemy Lines

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:02:02 GMT

Event: Red Wings game vs. Sabres... losing game
Place: Delmas's living room
Situation: Hostile

Steven Rainey wants to stab me with a knife.
Matt Chichester probably wouldn't mind at all if i were hit by a car.

I really shouldn't be here.
I don't have the right.

Plus it has my heart rate up.
And my skin clammy.
Quite uncomfortable.

...go wings

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 16:03:47 GMT

Soooo... living off Boston in southeast Grand Rapids. with Carrie, my Badaxe love. it's fun... you know, the grand rapids vice team at the house across from ours with big guns and scary masks, our landlord got shot last week, we've been told we shouldn't walk around at night being "caucasian and all". yep, almost as lively as Carlton. With complaints of "funny smelling smoke and loud sex in the middle of the night" and a tree demolishing Jeremy's car. And muck and filth...
Carrie and i closed down the hookah bar on saturday night... they're open until friggin 4 in the morning. that's so good.
Delmas's sisters wedding is on Saturday, Delmas the boyfriend.
I want to visit home. Elise's baby is on the way, aaaaand i can't wait.
Work is lame as hell, decent pay, wretch of a boss. Speaking of, off to get ready.

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:15:30 GMT

man, i'm so lazy with my journal now... can't even give it some elementary html. soo... i'm really dreading this year. it started off with me going to jail, getting kicked out of my parents' house, moving to wisconsin where my boyfriend hit me, and having to relocate once again to grand rapids. then i'll have to relocate again soon. huff... rob is here from new york! yay to that at least...

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 13:08:50 GMT

Today, I had a boyfriend beat me up for the first time. I hit him first, sure... kuz he was screaming at me that i'm a stupid fucking cunt. whatever he has to fuckin' tell himself to justify his bullshit.

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 17:56:36 GMT

I can't bring myself to keep in touch with friends whom i haven't talked to in a long time and would like to talk to, and i can't bring myself to keep in touch with friends whom i haven't talked to in a while and have been trying to talk to me. I just can't... i'm not a failure, it's just that life isn't fair... it isn't fair. things don't have to be fair, because life says they don't have to and in the end, it is life that makes the rules.
but it does make it easier to recognize that life isn't fair. it makes it much simpler... because that means that i don't have to find the answer to "why me?". the answer is that life isn't fair. and good things don't always happen to good people, just as bad things don't always happen to bad people. whereas it's inconceivably easy for bad things to happen to good people and for good things to happen to bad people. but when all is said and all is done, most of it is bad. most of life, is bad. mostly, it's bad things happening to bad people, and bad things happening to good people. and all this, because life isn't fair.
so why am i here? because 19 years and however many months ago, my mother gave birth to me. there is no other reason, and there is nothing i can do about that.i don't believe that there is any deep-seated reason as to why i am here that i just have to uncover. because i look at people older than me, even much older than me, and to be honest, i can't see any satisfying reason as to why they are here. or why they ever were. and i don't see things being any different for myself in 40 years. when i am sixty years old, there will still be absolutely no satisfying reason as to why i am here.
life isn't fair.
and life is pain.
anyone who says different, is selling something.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 10:35:45 GMT

They say that your whole life flashes before your eyes before you die... well... my whole life flashed before my eyes tonight. So, i think that statement is false. Because I am certainly not dead... that much I know. What did I see... I saw... potential. Complete potential. Surrounded by some super surreal glowy light. lol.
But anyway. now.. i see wasted potential. But more like... stagnant potential... not wasted. never wasted. Stagnant potential.
I can still do something with it... it's not too late...
I am a completely different person after tonight. After the past three nights. No one will like me... or maybe everyone will like me more. haha.
I swear, this entire evening, has been one revelation after another... everything, i've gaped at like a child seeing something for the first time...
Not only am i focusing on things that are important... but i'm realizing things that aren't important anymore... things that i've been trying to hold onto. that i wish could still be important... but they just aren't. i have to move on. i have to stay strong. i have to grow, and learn. i really do just have to be. i can be an entity. i can be loved... if i let myself be.
i need to seperate myself from those who seek harm on me. and keep myself surrounded by those who see me for me... or may one day see. Those who never ask me to do anything that is counter-productive. ever. Those who can also just... be.
Existance... no need for resistance.
Existing in myself... and being happy with who that "self" is. That's what's importnat... so important... that I am happy with myself... I am an incredible person... I can be an incredible person...
We are all on our own platforms you know... they intertwine. And it makes life a little bit easier...
And Greg is a wonderful friend to the Sad One. I wish He were happy... but that is not in my power. My very limited power. My very limited knowledge. Essentially, I know nothing.
But i am perfectly okay with that.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 09:38:09 GMT

I... am alive right now. I am alive. I am completely in touch, in sense, in... i am in. my fingers are longer. my touch is more precise. my eyes won't follow. but they leave a really cool trail.
tonight... tonight was clarity. in a sentence. word. i saw everything. i saw so many possible futures. I saw who i could never be with... and who i may be able to one day be with... i saw that right, now, i need to be alone. i am an independent person. i need to figure out for myself what i want and where i am going. but it's not like almost a year ago, when i became "single and ready to mingle" i need to just... be. be me. be single. single me. no mingling. future focus. what i want to be. where i want to go. i want to help people. i really am a caring person... and i know where true happiness lies... i know. it lies in a place i used to be.
Cassie, Cassandra... i like to think that i helped show you that place.... and i get the feeling that you aren't there anymore either... hopefully not as far gone as I. i loved you... i still do. i hope you know that. we should go back together...
I want everyone to come with me. I want everyone to see the future I see. to be able to embrace it. It has such hope, and such promise.... but i also feel that it's all just a dream. an unattainable dream. a reoccurring dream, i'm sure.
don't believe in filler. because it's all filler... except the One...
If you climb the mountain, reach the peak, go down the other side, and bury yourself in the beach at the bottom, you will find what you're looking for. But it will be a long, cold, dangerous hike. And a steep, trecherous, muddy decline. and A very very deep dig to bury.
But just let it go. And you'll find it... grab a friend to find it with you... remember that that's what they're for. The conversation. Even in our togetherness we are in two groups. Mario Kart, and Revelation.
I have reached a revelation. I just hope i'll remember it...

this entry is for me. so, yeah, you may feel free to completely ignore it.

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 03:46:34 GMT

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

-Alanis Morisette
__________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up alarmed
I didn't know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over
What ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it, and

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that secret old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas

You got up out of bed
You said you had a lot of work to do
But I heard arrest in your head And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that secret old shit
like letters and sodas
letters and sodas

I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend another year alone
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run
Fuck and run
Even when I was twelve

You almost felt bad You said that I should call you up but
I knew much better than that
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions

-Liz Phair

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 19:36:19 GMT

I need to get some things off my chest. I was going to do it on facebook, but facebook is way too readily available to the public. i mean, it's "private" and this isn't, but still, fewer people know of this and fewer people read it.
I am scared. okay? happy? are people fucking happy now that they know i'm scared? I'm scared of going to jail tomorrow. I'm scared of going to jail. I'm pissed kuz i'm a dumbass. I'm pissed when people throw my words back in face- "so what if you go to jail? you were the one who was saying, 'i don't care if i go to jail.'" well, did it ever occur to you that i'm fucking putting up a front? Did it occur to you that i have no reason to trust you so why the hell would i actually tell you about how i'm feeling about the whole thing? why the FUCK would i want to go to jail?
I'm scared shitless. And i just want to know that people love me. And i know that that's a high order. but, damnit... i don't even know where the fuck i'm going with this.
I got myself into a horrible fucked up mess. i admit it, i fucked up. I deserve to be in jail. I just... i don't want to do this. I don't want to do a single thing. I don't want to do school, work, or AA.
Sorry if this sounds like a pity party, it probably is. But i don't ask for pity. All I want is for someone to tell me, "I don't want you to go to jail." I don't want "oh i'm so sorry all this is happening to you." it's my fault it's happening to me. I realize this. I do not want pity. I just want to know that someone cares whether or not i end up in a cell.

This said nothing. I meant it to say a lot more. I don't know what I'm doing. And i'm not happy about it. Flat out, i'm not happy.

I suck at conclusions.

-thank you for reminding me of all the things I've done completely wrong-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 06:51:12 GMT

I am so tired. Of my life. Of the way it's being lived. I don't know what I am doing. I'm not going anywhere. I can't remember the last time I did something productive.
I'm tired of caring so much for a boy who cares so little for me. I'm tired of feeling love for someone who treats me like shit.
Paul never treated me like shit. Ever. Even when i treated him like shit. I don't deserve him. I never did.
I'm tired of being alone. I miss having someone around who loves me, all the time. Not just when it is convenient for them. I am so alone... everything i care about, everything that actually cares about me... is so far away.
I am weak. So weak. I do so much for him and he does nothing for me. Well, I'm sure he would probably consider what he does for me as "something", and i guess it is... but in the grand scheme of things, it means nothing. It is nothing. I am nothing. Nothing makes me feel worthwhile. Nothing I do makes me feel worthwhile. I haven't felt a sense of accomplishment in so long.
Nothing...
And i don't know how to fix it.
I feel so... overwhelmingly worthless.
Don't mistake this as self-pity. I am not pitying myself. I deserve every bit. If I could shape up, I wouldn't be having any of these difficulties. It's my own fault. That doesn't make it suck any less.
I just want peace. And i don't want to be alone anymore.

-you're the limb i've lost but somehow I still feel it-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 08:23:59 GMT

I am hating life.
-I went 45 hours without sleep. Started hallucinating
-I bought 10 red bull from the c-store.
-I was out of bed for 3 out of 19 hours today.
-I slept through writing a paper and my euro civ honors course. And I don’t know what to do.
-A boy is causing me incredible amounts of stress. Because I like him. And I HATE liking boys. Hatehatehate it.
-I’m going to fail school.
-I’m going to fail life.
-I’m on 4 probations. Probation for my MIP. Probation for my drinking violation at school. Probation for honors college. And probation for the nursing program.
-I don’t know how to study for finals.
-my sleeping schedule is so fucked.
-partying for 6 out of 7 days completely fucked me over/fucked with me.
-I missed another drug test.
-I miss Rob and Nikki and everyone.
-I miss sanity.
-I miss being able to do well in school.
-I miss having a boy who loves me.
-I miss having people around me who love me.
-The ones here who DO love me, I don’t see nearly enough.
-My computer is sooooo fucked up. Internet explorer shuts down every 10 minutes. Making it near impossible to do this paper. And I have porn and insurance offers popping up everywhere.
-I want to smoke a bowl SO bad. It’s been 69 days.
-Work is screwed up. Completely. Both jobs.
-I’m broke.
-I need to sleep. Forever. And wake up and have everything be like it was October/November of 2004. When everything was so close to perfect…

blah.

so, you want to understand? here it is...

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 18:03:53 GMT

Dr. Meredith Grey:
"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. 'Never leave that till tomorrow,' he said, 'which you can do today.' This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 04:54:08 GMT

i am SO sick of you all. sick of every single one of you. those reading this, and those not. there are a few exceptions, but only a few. and those are far away, in troy and/or royal oak. in beaver trail, the few that come to mind. or used to be in beaver trail anyway, but that's beside the point.
i'm sick of how you all have expectations of/for me. every single one of you has something you want me to be, or something i HAVE to be, to be a part of your "circle", or your "family". your "group." something i have to be to be friends with you. Something i have to be for you to accept me.
i have to be as mature as a 22 year old at 18 years old and study in my room aaaall day and get perfect grades and stop cold turkey doing everything bad to be accepted by my family. like it's THAT easy.
to fit in in my dorm... i don't even know what i have to do. i have to mess around with everyone male and female, get drunk with them every weekend, sit in their rooms with all of them all day, go eat with all of them when they choose to eat, etc and so on to be accepted there. I know that all sounds harsh, but when i used to do all that, i usually got the invites. people remembered to call me when i ask them to call me. hell, i didn't HAVE to ask people to call me. and when i started branching out, i started getting pushed out of the clique. i'm not where i was anymore. i'm not as welcome as i was. i'm not welcome how i was. and i'm fine with that, but i wish people would stop fucking pretending.

all of you have expectations for me. standards for me to live by. well guess what, i live my own life. i live by my own fucking standards, and if you won't stand by me, i'll stand all by my fucking self. you think i can't do it? watch me. goddamnit i will prove it to every single one of you. i will forget about you, just like you forgot about me. and guess what sweetheart? i am going to learn things the hard way. you didn't learn from others' mistakes, neither will i. the brophy family doesn't work that way. and if you can't stand by me with love, like mom and dad can, than get out of my way. and let me know if you're gonna treat me like shit when i'm around so that i know to not come home.
this breaks your heart? than don't read it. but i know your heart. and it's not breaking. it's burning red hot with anger.

and greg, i feel really bad, because i know that you're probably going to be the only one to read this, and i wish you didn't have to. i should've put a warning at the top asking you not to, but i know you wouldn't have listened. i still love you. to be honest, i understand if you are angry at me for this... but, although i know i was harsh, the basis of it really is true... in varying degrees between people, but essentially, the same, whether intentional or not.

so, back to the general audience, if you aren't going to stand by my side through my journey, then
get.
the fuck.
out of.
my way.

-To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 07:15:11 GMT

Fuck you, I’m drunk,

Fuck you, I’m drunk,

Pour my beer down the sink,

I’ve got more in the trunk.

Fuck you, I’m drunk,

Fuck you, I’m drunk,

And I’m going to be drunk

‘til the next time I’m drunk.

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 06:56:19 GMT

So, you know how they say that smell is the strongest sense blah blah blah bring back memories blah blah blah 30 years after your grandma dies and you smell a smell like her house used to smell you remember your grandma immediately blah blah blah. that didn't make a lot of sense, i know, but it's going somewhere, i promise.

my feet, right now, smell like my hedgehogs' cage used to smell.

I miss Algernon and Squee.

:-D

-was this demise so carefully constructed?-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 03:56:19 GMT

Sooo... since i last updated... my dad is back home. the west michigan reptile expo is coming up. made me think of him. he won't be able to go, he has to stay at home.
school still blows. i'm still sucking. it still makes me sad.
this weekend was sorta cool... Friday night Alec and I went down to Zeeland around 1 am kuz Tyler (boy i met at Margarita Grill two Friday's ago) invited me. we met a shit ton of pretty cool people and the coolest girl ever. Carol-Ann. I was DD so i had only one Smirnoff twist and 2 hours for it to leave my system. But i still drove home horribly because i kept dozing off at 4 in the morning. luckily, the cop at the west campus, north campus intersection was already busy giving a field sobriety test to some other guy.
Saturday night Alec n I went to Campus West to party. We were on our way to A6 when some random guys in A7 invited us in to play beer pong which is when i learned that alec n i REALLY don't even have to have a party destination in mind. Parties find us! haha. We're calling ourselves Malyc. We're super heroes. And pretty fucking awesome. Yessir. So we played beer pong, and lost. Then we went to A6, and played beer pong again.
We were on the same team, of course. boys like to try to split us up because A) they think it's more fair or B) they've already decided in their sick, hormone-driven little minds which one of them wants which one of us and how they're going to share us.
But Alec and I stayed together. And then a couple other guys asked "can we take a shot for you?" but no damn it!! her and i were determined that if we were going to win, we were going to win all by our pretty little selves. Well, it looked like the boys, Jack and Tony, were going to win when we had three cups and they had one, but Alec and i quickly got it down to one cup on one cup. theeeen, *gasp* they made it in our last cup. however, by the rules of beer pong, we each got one more chance to get the ball in their cup. alec went first and BAM. it was beauty. she got it in and it was incredibly. so we went into overtime. we set up three cups in our triangle and went until those cups were gone. It was vicious. three to three, three to two, two to two, two to one, then it was mine and alec's turn again. malyc=2 cups, boys=1 cup. it was my turn and SHAZAM! i made the winning shot. it was the greatest game ever. and the first game alec and i won together. land mark land mark! pictures are on my facebook. it was excellent.
then i had boys do things that i didn't want them to do. and it made me very very angry. and i'm still very angry. or something, the anger may be covering up something else, i don't really know.
but to every girl, seriously, don't wear comfy pants to a party. i don't care if you think they look amazing on you. wear pants with buttons and zippers.
i had a dream a couple nights ago that i smoked weed. then i had another dream during my nap today that i was smoking weed and then i remembered, "shit! i got high two days ago but i was too stoned to remember and so now i failed the drug test i took today!!" lol. it was funny. i haven't smoked in 37 days. sqweet.
i'm out. later all.

-Don’t you feed me lies about some idealistic future-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 05:49:34 GMT

Sooooo, i haven't updated in a while. Figured i would. Hope life's been well for all. Well, as good as life can be i guess.
Things have been CRAZY lately.
I'm doing horribly in college and that BLOWS kuz i'm seriously doing the best i can. and my best isn't good enough. and that's not how it's supposed to work.
My family hates me. Well, my sisters do. They're pissed at me. Kuz i'm not being there for my dad or something. But it's justified... kuz i'm really not. Things are just hard with that. i still can't trust my parents. and things won't go back to the way they were. i'm never going to be fully in their care again. I'm making it on my own. I don't need their money, and that's the hardest thing to not need. I have two jobs. I just bought myself some new clothes. with MY money, not theirs. that was empowering. and i pay my own damn bills. as not huge as they are... i still have them. I think i make my parents cry... mehr.
I"m becoming an uncaring bitch. kuz i know that if i start caring, i'll just completely break down and... suck at life forever and ever. plus, there's too much to care about. there's too much to worry about. everything is too damned overwhelming.
didn't drink or do anything at all this past weekend. kuz of my effin PBTs. but i did work from 9 a.m. to 12 a.m. on saturday. that BLEWWW.
Went to the Brick House on Monday w/ Sammy Baby. Met a couple of super awesome guys. Rich and Jake. Rich was... awesome. we went back to their place in caledonia afterwards. drank a little and chilled in their hot tub. it was funfunfun.
Anyway, i have so much work to do tonight. So, i'm off. Like my pants.
When no one is around damn it!!!

-i need something i want to be close to-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 04:00:03 GMT

This weekend was pretty sweet-ish. For how boring it was anyway. Alec and I had some good bonding time.
Thursday night, campus west. hung out with steve. drank a little.
Friday night, Margarita Grill. Ladies in free all night. W00t. Met this guy named Jake, about 45 minutes before the club closed. I have his number... but i haven't called him back. i don't exactly know why... partially because he doesn't have a car and i don't care enough to pay someone some $ to borrow his/her car or ride the bus. There was also an extremely creepy, unwelcome guy following me around the whole fucking night and it was hell. i tried everything. I even tried the boyfriend card! and i don't HAVE a boyfriend! it was absolutely ridiculous. At least Jake helped me shake him.
Saturday night, Jeff (marine boy #2) came to visit. We drank a little in my dorm. but anyway, no one ever bring up jeff, got it? just don't. i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to talk about him. if you really want to know, ask carrie or sam, when i'm not around. k? k.
Then today I worked from 10-9. Long ass shift. Sucked. Started B.C. today again. yay.
But yeah, a couple days ago i learned that my friends at college are not all i thought they were. or rather, not all of them are what i thought they were... and it makes me really sad.
My friends... aren't all that great of friends. not like at home anyway... not even close. but i realize that that's okay that they aren't all that great. because, truth be told, i am not all that good of a friend to them either... for that i'm sorry. but i'm not exactly, yippee kie yay, change, either.
I've been really depressed lately. it sucks. I probably have to get drug tested tomorrow, and since i'm not using any detox, i'm really afraid i'll fail. even though it's been 16 days. I'm proud of that.
My views on smoking cigarettes? there are much worse things i could be addicted to. not even worse! how many more people does smoking kill? alcohol kill? than any "hard" drug? but there are much more illegal things i could be addicted to.
I yearn for real friendship... and i yearn for a real relationship.
that one boy was everything i wanted... except interested in me for being... me.
I was on Paul's myspace today. Looking at pictures of him. Looking at comments people made. And i missed him terribly.
Life... is not good right now.
And i can't help but feel that it should be. I mean, nothing too bad is going on. I'm just depressed for no real reason, which is worse (depending on how you look at it) than being depressed for an actual reason.
I really want to talk to Ron.
He's been a lover, a brother, and everything inbetween. And i do love him indeed. I don't know what I would've done without him...
Trisha's 2 year is coming up. :-(

-the truth is all that i am is a passing event that will be forgotten-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 01:42:45 GMT

I've finally started sleeping again. I've finally started eating again.
It was so great to see Ron. He's so amazing. I went in to see him and he was awake. He had the one eye open that he can open. I walked in and he looked right at me. And he kept looking at me the whole time. Even during his seizures. He kept looking at me. And he looked so worried for me... He squeezed my hand so tight. I started crying. I told myself I wouldn't cry in front of him and I did. But, the way he held my hand, I couldn't help it. Because I love him so much. And i care about him so much. So many people do.
Yesterday I got word that he was saying people's names. He wasn't talking more than one word at a time, but he recognized the people visiting him.
He is SO amazing.
And he is going to live to see his child born. Christina may be having twins. : ) The due date is March 6th.
I'm so proud of him.
I hate being here. Through every class, all I can think about is how i should be with Ron. How I should be there every day to see him and tell him I love him.
Money is hell. I have none of it. And i will not go to my parents. I still love them. But i still don't trust them.
I'm done with drugs. Marijuana isn't worth failing a drug test for and the rest of it... it's just not worth it period. Of course, I'll probably start smoking marijuana again after probation is over.
I still really think I'm going to fail college. *sigh* I have no idea what I'm doing. College sucks. They never let you know how you're doing.
I found someone. I like him a lot. Of course, i fucked up the chance of a relationship. The same way I always fuck up a chance of a relationship. But he isn't looking for a relationship, so i guess that's okay. we have fun. : D
That's it i guess. Peace out lovers.

-Do you feel good when I hurt?-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 07:27:04 GMT

Ron got shot in the back of the head today.
Because some guys in Detroit tried to rob him.

And he fought back.

For those of you who don't know, Ron is as close as family to me.
He's not my brother by blood, but he's my brother by love.
He is... amazing.
I'm going to go visit him at the hospital tomorrow.

If you're able, if it's your way of things, please pray for him.

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 06:14:45 GMT

wow. everything is so incredibly fucked up i can't even function. i seriously think that i am going to fail at life at this whole college thing. i just don't know how to do it. the work. what i need to do, what i don't need to do, how the tests work, quizzes, exams. it's all craziness. and i keep missing chem lecture.
drug test today. i think it went really well.
insanity with the parents. it sucks. really. it's a little better because before i could trust them but they couldn't trust me and that made me feel ilke shit. but now, they still don't trust me, but i can't trust them either. so as much as that's horrible, it makes me feel a little better personally.
i miss rob and nikki a lot. i miss elise a lot. really, i miss my friends at home a lot. and i miss erica.
it's weird... i'm not sure where i fit in, or if i even fit in at all.
Some stupid, juvenile shit is going on right now. it's absolutely ridiculous.
I feel like my... friend? is going completely and totally behind my back. not with anything to do with males, but with my greatest female friend here.

this weekend was... absolutely weird. i don't even know.
after this weekend, and today, i feel myself wanting to sink into old trends... but so much of me is screaming "no!"
I sort of feel like i'm keeling back into self-destruction.
And i'm putting on that front again. that "i'm a badass" front.
Oh damn, everything is SO incredibly confusing. and i have no idea what to do about it or how to handle. Things are getting out of control.
And i feel like i have no one.

I am such a loser.

-I thought this place was an empire but now i'm relaxed, and i can't be sure-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 01:04:10 GMT

So... things are going interestingly i guess.
I hate my parents.
I can't figure anything out.
I'm going to fail school.
And, yeah, that's about it.

-when happiness is based on lies, it's so hard to tell the truth-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 04:34:59 GMT

I had so much fun last night.
Not today.
But definitely last night.
I'm so lucky to have friends that love me.

-in the marmelade forest between make-believe trees in a cottage cheese cottage lives albie the racist dragon-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 21:11:42 GMT

Hallo! So, yesterday was the shit. The whole day. For a vast majority of the day, i was just feeling really peaceful, restful, however you want to say it. I had class at 10, then i was done by 11. After that, i just sorta chilled. Emily and i had a pleasant little lunch. Greg and I had a pleasant little trek downtown to go get jobs. we ended up walking out of our way, but it was still worth it because, it was just... nice. very very nice. there were indeed lots of smiles, and lots of fun, and comfort, and all that good stuff that's good. Hopefully Big Boy calls me, hopefully Bitter End calls him. We went back, i met more rockford folk, don, arie, and chris. at least i think they were all rockford folk. who knows. so, everything was just pleasant.
Then i realized that i had a shit ton of homework. Bio due by midnight, chem due on sunday by midnight, and the lab report from hell due monday. oh, did i mention that i have NONE of the information i need to do that report? samaaaaaaaanthaaaaaaaaa...
That was a bit stressful. Still is.
I then journeyed over to michigan state! That whole place is so fucking nuts. you yell "go green" at any random point and someone, anyone, yells "go white!" i mean, come on, that's just nuts. I went over to Jim's place and we ended up in downtown East Lansing. Wow. That's something else. It was a friday night, the streets were full. So many people were drunk, it was ridiculous. Loud, obnoxious, oh, did i mention that it was pouring rain?? it was soso much fun though. indeed. There were girls flashing huge groups of guys on the side of roads just for a beer. there was another girl pissing right next to the street. didn't even bother going into the woods a little, no. so messed up. random parties. people everywhere. yelling. and craziest of all, i didn't see any blue ugly flashing lights. you'd think the cops would figure gold. those crazies. anyway, it was mucho fun.
I'm going to go stay at Rob and Nikki's tonight. Next weekend, i'm going over to Ypsi to see my cousin's band play on Saturday. and i'm staying at his friend's house that night. so... all in all, all is going well. = )
Going to Chicago on Tuesday with Honors College! Hoorah!

-She's figured out all her doubts were someone else's point of view-

~< mary >~

@trisha macfarlane@

~< 49-12 >~

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 15:08:06 GMT

hmmm... soooooooo... fuck it???

yeah, fuck it.